PEEEEEEPS…

Nobody warned me that one of the hardest parts of parenting wasn’t diapers…

It wasn’t potty training…

It wasn’t middle school hormones…

It wasn’t teaching teenagers how to drive while simultaneously praying to every deity ever invented.

NO.

It’s this absolute BULLSHIT where you’re supposed to just…let them become PEOPLE.

Excuse me?!

I MADE THESE PEOPLE.

I grew them.

I fed them.

I kept them alive despite their lifelong commitment to making questionable decisions.

Now society expects me to just casually release them into the wild like…

“Fly, my beautiful children!”

ABSOLUTELY THE HELL NOT.

In my brain they’re still tiny little baby ducklings that belong tucked safely underneath me during a thunderstorm.

Reality, however, has filed an official complaint.

Friday morning Lillian is headed to Burwell with all the girls in her senior class for a lake day.

So while she’s out there voluntarily swimming in giant fish toilet water and hanging onto the side of a boat like she’s auditioning for Redneck Survivor, I will be pretending I’m totally fine.

Narrator:

She was, in fact…NOT fine.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Miller Circus will be in Geneva for Jaxin’s end-of-year baseball pool party.

Jaxin is 13.

Translation…

“Dad…Mom…can I go…”

Can I go here?

Can I go there?

Can I go with so-and-so?

Can I leave?

Can I breathe outside the property line?

My guy…I haven’t emotionally processed you turning FIVE yet.

Then there’s Vern.

That child either disappears into her room like Bigfoot avoiding the paparazzi…or suddenly wants to go to her friend’s house in McCool.

I’m beginning to suspect she’s mastered teleportation.

Matt?

WORK.

Always.

So…

What the hell am I supposed to be doing?!

Besides cleaning.

Doing laundry.

Cooking.

Writing.

Inventing desserts that contain enough butter to make a cardiologist audibly gasp.

And wandering through my house wondering why it’s simultaneously too quiet AND somehow still sticky.

Because here’s the thing…

I’ve spent the last 18 years being “Mom.”

Not that I’ll ever stop being Mom…

But my babies don’t need me every five minutes anymore.

And while I’m ridiculously proud of the humans they’re becoming…

I’d also like to file a formal complaint with whoever decided time should move this damn fast.

Rude.

Disrespectful.

Zero stars.

Would not recommend.

SO…

What’s next for Heather Joleen Miller?

WELL…

You know me.

My ADHD treats hobbies like Pokémon.

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL.

So naturally…

I have already started something.

Because apparently sitting still and relaxing is a personality trait I was NEVER issued.

And I honestly think y’all are gonna lose your ever-loving minds when you find out what it is.

So…

Let’s play a game.

👇 Drop your guesses in the comments.

The FIRST person to guess correctly gets a special surprise from yours truly.

Now if you’ll excuse me…

I’m gonna go pretend I’m emotionally stable while secretly tracking my children with the power of anxiety, caffeine, and a mother’s supernatural ability to know when somebody’s doing something dumb from three counties away.

Pray for me.

Or send snacks.

Actually…

Send snacks.