Ladies and gents, we have found some financial relief.
Temporarily.
We’re still waiting on mail to arrive, BUT there is actual money available for groceries. REAL groceries. Not the “let’s see what culinary masterpiece I can create today” kind of groceries.
I am going grocery shopping TODAY, peeps.
As soon as I finish writing this.
After I take a shower.
After I find my damn cup of coffee that is currently missing somewhere between my bedroom and the living room!
Before I leave, I have to make an extensive grocery list because REMEMBER PEEPS I finally cleaned out three entire cupboards. THREE.
You know what happens when you clean out cupboards that haven’t been properly purged in a while?
You find things.
Things that expired during previous presidential administrations.
Things that have somehow become both stale and sticky.
Things that were once food but are now science experiments.
I threw away expired food, moldy food, stale food, and a few things that I wasn’t entirely convinced weren’t covered in some kind of tiny civilization.
The cupboards are beautiful now.
Empty.
Waiting.
Ready for groceries.
Which brings us to today’s dilemma.
Matt is working a double.
Lily is going to Addison’s house.
That leaves me with Jaxin and Vern.
So the question is:
Do I take Jaxin and Vern with me to Lincoln and tackle Costco, Sam’s Club, and Aldi?
Or…
Do I wait until tomorrow and take Matt?
Or…
And this is where things get dangerous…
Do I go TODAY.
BY MYSELF.
ME.
ALONE.
IN LINCOLN.
WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
IN PUBLIC.
Now let’s break this down.
Taking the kids means I have helpers.
By “helpers” I mean teenage humans who will somehow add seventeen unnecessary items to the cart while asking for snacks every 2 minutes.
“Mom, can we get this?”
“No.”
“What about this?”
“No.”
“What about this?”
“Still no.”
“But it’s on sale.”
“I don’t care if they’re giving it away for free playa….i said no!”
Meanwhile, the other kid has disappeared into the electronics section because she lost the battle trying to convince me that a fifty-five gallon drum of cheese balls is a household necessity.
Waiting for Matt sounds logical.
He’s another adult.
A cart pusher.
A heavy lifter.
A voice of reason.
Someone who can help wrangle the teenagers and tell them no while I compare the prices of giant bags of chicken nuggets.
But then I’d have to wait. and I have no patience.
And after staring at mostly empty cupboards for a week, waiting feels rude.
Which leaves Option Three.
Going alone.
Just me.
No children.
No interruptions.
No arguments.
No one asking for snacks.
No one touching EVERYTHING!!!! (why do they touch everything?!)
No one asking if we can get a trampoline from Costco. (that requires you to get off the xbox and go OUTSIDE! So why do you want one anyway?)
Just me, wandering through giant warehouse stores and my favorite Aldi like a majestic feral skittish woodland creature.
ME,ALONE in the ALDI isle of shame?! with NO one else to tell me NO?! NOT a good finacial decision honestly.
Sampling every free sample station without having to split it with anybody.
Browsing aisles at my own pace.
Listening to music.
Making grocery decisions without a committee meeting.
The downside?
People. looking at me.
The public. wondering why i am a sad person buying all this food ALONE.
Cashiers.
Conversations.
The possibility of making eye contact with strangers.
Carrying the stuff all alone… (eww)
Also, for those who don’t know me very well…
I say “fuck” a lot.
Online.
In person.
While grocery shopping.
While cooking.
While looking for my keys.
While looking for my coffee. (seriously where the fuck is that cup!!)
If that offends you…
Well…
Fuck! (go away then)
So that’s where we’re at today.
Heather Joleen.
A grocery list.
Three clean cupboards and an empty freezer and fridge.
A missing cup of coffee. (for FUCKS sake i left it ON THE COFFEE Machine…i am an idiot you guys)
And one very important question.
Do I take the children?
Do I wait for my husband?
Or do I boldly venture into civilization alone and see what happens?
If you don’t hear from me for several hours, assume I got lost in Costco and am currently living in the seasonal aisle. Hell MAYBE i will come back with a JOB folks!!!
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