I woke up today.
I’m gonna count my blessings and call that a win.
Because honestly…
Some days…
That’s the biggest accomplishment I’ve got.
I don’t think I’ll ever completely get used to living with anxiety and depression.
I don’t care how many therapists I talk to.
I don’t care how much I work on myself.
I don’t care how many self-help books I read.
I don’t care how much grace I try to give myself.
Somehow…
It always finds its way back.
That’s anxiety.
That’s depression.
I can have the absolute shittiest week imaginable…
Finally get ONE really good day…
Laugh.
Smile.
Feel almost…
Normal.
And then…
Out of absolutely nowhere…
That good day turns into a horrible night.
No warning.
No reason.
Just…
Darkness.
For whatever reason, it almost always happens on Saturday nights.
I swear my brain waits until the ONE night I actually NEED sleep because I have to work early Sunday morning.
It’s like my anxiety clocks in for its shift and says…
“Good evening, Heather. I see you’re almost happy. We can’t have that. WE NEED you MISERABLE at ALL times…”
Then suddenly…
I’m replaying conversations from 2002.
Wondering if everyone secretly hates me.
Remembering embarrassing things I said in seventh grade.
Planning arguments that will never happen.
Creating entire fictional scenarios where everyone leaves me.
…all while staring at the damn ceiling at three o’clock in the morning.
It’s exhausting.
Absolutely…
Soul-level exhausting.
But I’m realizing something.
I can’t control other people’s actions.
I can’t control their words.
I can’t control their choices.
And I am NOT responsible for carrying the weight of everyone else’s decisions…
Even the people I gave birth to.
That one has been one of the hardest lessons of my life.
Because when you’re a mom…
You want to fix everything.
Protect everyone.
Carry everyone.
Save everyone.
But sometimes…
The people you love have to walk their own path.
They have to make their own mistakes.
They have to learn their own lessons.
And loving them doesn’t mean destroying yourself trying to carry burdens that were never yours to carry.
I love my family with everything I have.
I always will.
But their choices belong to them.
Mine belong to me.
The only person I’m truly responsible for…
Is myself.
My peace.
My healing.
My happiness.
And damn…
Sometimes that feels harder than taking care of everyone else.
Because I’m really good at loving other people.
But when it comes to loving Heather…
Yeah…
Not so much.
The voice in my head tells me she’s worthless.
It tells me she’d be easier to replace than to love.
It tells me everyone would be better off without her.
It tells me she’s too loud.
Too much.
Too emotional.
Too broken.
Too needy.
Too exhausting.
And that’s the cruelest part about depression.
It doesn’t just make you sad.
It makes you believe the lies it tells you.
I struggle with anxiety.
I struggle with depression.
There is nothing shameful about that.
It’s an illness.
Not a weakness.
Not a character flaw.
Not a lack of faith.
Not me being “dramatic.”
It’s just part of the hand life dealt me.
Some days I’ll lose the fight.
Some days I’ll win.
Today…
I got out of bed.
I took a shower.
I made it to work.
I took a breath.
My heart is still beating…
…even if my brain occasionally acts like that’s somehow disappointing.
I know those thoughts aren’t actually me.
They’re symptoms.
They’re loud.
They’re convincing.
But they’re still symptoms.
And maybe…
That’s enough for today.
I guess.
Now I just have to learn something I’ve spent almost my entire life struggling with…
How to love myself with the same compassion I so freely give to everyone else.
Maybe…
That’s where healing really begins.
❤️
And I guess this is the perfect example of what anxiety actually looks like.
Hell…
The other day…
I was joking around saying I was collecting a group of ladies to go see the sexy Australian male strippers.
I was excited.
Laughing.
Making plans.
Being my usual ridiculous self.
Then…
I spent the entire night lying awake with my own thoughts.
By the time this morning rolled around…
My brain had completely convinced me…
That nobody actually wanted me there…
Or at least didn’t want to go WITH me.
That I was the one doing the inviting.
That nobody had really invited ME.
That I’d just be in the way.
That people were probably only being nice.
That I’d somehow ruin everyone’s night.
Not because ANYONE said those things.
Not because ANYONE made me feel unwelcome.
Not because ANYONE excluded me.
My brain simply took absolutely ZERO evidence…
And built an entire damn courtroom case around it.
Complete with witnesses.
PowerPoint presentations.
DNA evidence.
A jury.
A guilty verdict.
And an appeal that somehow also got denied.
Depression and anxiety are incredibly convincing liars.
They’ll have you believing things that never happened.
Feeling guilty for things that aren’t your fault!
Apologizing for simply existing!
Convincing yourself you’re a burden when the people who love you have never once called you one.
So…after about 7 and a half hours of overthinking and bawling my eyes out…
I think I’m gonna sit this one out.
Not because of anybody else.
Because my brain won this round.
And that’s okay.
Sometimes survival looks like knowing your limits.
To all the ladies who are going…
PLEASE GO.
Seriously.
Have the absolute BEST time.
Dance.
Laugh.
Scream your heads off.
Embarrass yourselves.
Throw some dollar bills.
Yell at the sexy Australians for me.
If you’ve never been to one of those shows…
GO.
They’re ridiculously fun.
I genuinely hope every single one of you has an amazing night.
Maybe next time my brain won’t convince me I don’t belong!!
Maybe next time my brain will shut up and I might believe that people want to actually spend time with me and not just out of obligation.
Until then…
I’m going to keep reminding myself…
Anxiety is a liar.
Depression is a liar.
Healing isn’t linear.
Some battles leave scars.
Some battles leave you exhausted.
But they don’t last forever.
Tomorrow…
Maybe I’ll win.
Today…
I’m still here. (unfortunately)
And for right now…
That’s enough.
Love yourselves a little extra today, okay?
Because I’m still trying to figure out how to do the same.
❤️
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