My love language

PEEPS.

Question.

Do you ever wake up in the morning…

…think of ONE specific person…

…and immediately think…

**”I’m about to make your day significantly more inconvenient.”**

Not because they DID anything.

Not because you’re mad.

Not because you’re seeking revenge.

Just because…

**CHAOS.**

Like your brain wakes up and chooses ONE victim.

And today’s episode is sponsored by…

**MILD PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT.**

Now I know what you’re all are thinking…

*”Heather…that sounds like literally every damn day for you.”*

FIRST OF ALL…

*looking at you SHOCKED*

UGH… RUDE.

SECOND OF ALL…

…

Okay, fair.

BUT!

It is NOT every day.

Some mornings I wake up and choose peace!

Some mornings I wake up and make coffee, sit on my deck and am quiet without a single thought in my brain…

…

Then one tiny little brain cell wakes up…

looks around…

stretches…

cracks its knuckles…

and whispers…

**”You know what would be funny…”**

A SINGLE THOUGHT enters my brain.

**”I wonder what my mother is doing…”**

*CUE EVIL GRIN.*

*MR. BURNS: “Excellent…”*

YES…

I WONDER what MOTHER is doing…

…

Well…

There goes EVERYONE’S peaceful morning.

Because if I think of my mother before 9 a.m….

IT’S GAME ON.

I don’t know what comes over me.

I become a 40-year-old toddler that somehow gained access to unlimited texting, caffeine, and absolutely ZERO adult supervision.

I’ll call her…

…just to breathe into the phone…

…and hang up.

I’ll text…

**”Call me. It’s important.”**

Then proceed to throw my phone across the room and go reorganize my spice cabinet.

She can MARINATE.

I’ll send her a picture of a random screw I found in the garage with absolutely no context.

*”Mom…should I be concerned?”*

Concerned about WHAT, Heather?!

I DON’T KNOW, MOTHER!!

THAT’S FOR YOU TO FIGURE OUT!!

I’ll text…

**”Were you going to tell me?”**

Then disappear for two hours.

She’ll be mentally reviewing the last 40 years of her life trying to figure out what the hell she’s supposed to have told me.

Meanwhile…

I’m in the kitchen making grilled cheese.

WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

If she calls back?

I decline it.

Because I’m committed to the bit.

See…

THIS…

This is how I show affection.

Some people buy flowers.

Some people write heartfelt cards.

Some people hug.

…

Absolutely the HELL NOT.

Let’s talk about hugs.

EWWWWWWWW!

Don’t touch me! EVER!

Don’t hug me.

Don’t kiss me.

Don’t pat my shoulder.

Don’t randomly grab my arm while you’re talking.

NO!

I don’t even like shaking hands.

Honestly…

If we could all stand about ten feet apart and scream our conversations across the parking lot like confused geese…

That would be IDEAL.

Personal space is my love language.

Matter of fact…

If I can hear you breathing…

YOU’RE TOO DAMN CLOSE.

Back up before I start hissing.

But…

If I love you?

OHHHHHHHH…

YOU’RE SCREWED.

Because I don’t express affection with physical touch.

I express affection by becoming a complete and total goblin.

If I hide behind your front door and accidentally remove twelve years from your life expectancy…

I love you.

If I send you seventeen completely unhinged TikToks or Reels at 2:13 in the morning because *”this reminded me of you…”*

I love you.

If I repeatedly spell your name wrong ON PURPOSE…

I love you.

If I give you a personalized nickname that has absolutely NOTHING to do with your actual name…

I love you.

If I stare at you from across the room until you finally look at me…

…and then immediately look away…

I LOVE YOU.

If I bark or meow at you in Walmart…

Congratulations.

We’re basically family now.

If I intentionally become the biggest pain in your ass that you’ve encountered all week…

Please understand…

That is the HIGHEST form of affection my emotionally constipated little feral raccoon heart is capable of expressing.

Strangers get manners.

Coworkers get professionalism. *(ish.)*

The cashier gets kindness.

The people I love?

You get a lifetime subscription to…

**”What fresh Heather bullshit is this?”**

And honestly…

I hope every single one of you wakes up in the morning…

Sees my name pop up on their phone…

…takes one long…

deep…

defeated…

**”Goddammit…”**

…before they even answer.

Because they already know.

I have absolutely no reason for contacting you.

No emergency.

No important news.

No life-altering announcement.

I simply woke up…

and chose…

**YOU.**

May God have mercy on YOUR soul.

Because I won’t.

…

Now answer your damn phone.

That’s love…

**BAYBEH.***(in my absolute BEST Butthead voice.)*

**HEATHER JOLEEN STYLE!!!**